Letting Go

 A while back I had been conversing with a man through email and a couple of phone calls.  We were on one of those dating sites and I had written a previous blog about it.  Our conversations centered around blue water cruising and by that, I mean ocean sailing.   

While sailing had initially been a like and very much a hate situation for me it ultimately became a mystifying love.  When ever the lines were cast off from the dock or the anchor hauled up, I was relieved.  There was the undeniable feeling that I was casting myself off, a release and of letting go. 

What was I letting go of?

Or trying to let go of?

A man that I loved fiercely died six years ago as of November which left a deep dark void and a grief that has plagued me.

Recently I was bored one night; was playing on the computer and thought I wonder what my horoscope for next year is going to be.  I do not read daily horoscopes or believe in them but I have always found it entertaining.  I was watching a YouTube video about the different birth signs.  The key words for my birth sign that were stressed over and over were “you must let go”.  There it was, my light bulb moment.

I do not have to forget that man but I must let go.  The reality is he would be absolutely furious with me for holding on to him as I have.  As a matter of fact, a couple of months before he died (no he did not pass away, nor did I lose him, he did not pass on, he died), he expressed real annoyance with me, stating “don’t be a martyr after my death and not carry on”.  I was angry with him for saying that. Angry that he would think I could possibly just “carry on” and not wish to remember all that we were or could have been.

That was not his point.  He knew me well and realized I would continue to hold him in a grip that might suffocate me and for the most part I did and it did.

It is interesting that the day that marks his death is not a grieving day for me.  His death was long and drawn out for seventeen difficult days. Possibly my mind wished to preserve itself and not want to relive those days or emotions for the actual date of his death holds nothing for me.  The mind is truly amazing, as I have witnessed in those with a chemical imbalance, disease, infection, injury, dementia or with grief.

I will never forget an old married demented couple on my unit. He was in his early 90’s and he had always taken care of his wife not only while in long term care but basically from the first time they met. She became ill and we took her to the unit infirmary and  eventually she died.

Afterwards her empty bed was replaced with a man.  The new man kept stating that the other man was always at his bed and bothering him.  It was not until we questioned him and asked him not to bother the new man that he said he was sorry but only wanted to look after “her”.  It was then I realized that he did not see the man in the bed, he saw Vivian his wife.

We could not convince him otherwise. When he started to dress or undress the new man, we knew that Vivian’s bed had to remain empty.  His mind shielded him from a grief that he could not bear; his mind would always see Vivian in the next bed.

My grief day is the day that marks our wedding.  It was beautiful and it was joyous!  I had actually never experienced the feeling of joy before.  That feeling of being completely filled with such a happiness that you could hold no more. I remember thinking as I walked arm in arm with my son down a flower boarded pathway, “remember every minute for it will never happen again”.  

Yearly on September 11th this is my private movie, in full colour, every image, all the detail; every minute.

It is joyous and it is grief.

________________________________________________

A supernova is a stellar explosion that occurs

at the end of a star’s lifetime, when its nuclear fuel

is exhausted and it is no longer supported by the

release of nuclear energy.  Supernovae are extremely

luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often

 briefly outshines an entire galaxy before fading from

view over several weeks or months.

During this short interval, a supernova can radiate

as much energy as the sun could emit over its life span.

F.W. Giacobbe

Astrophysicist

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